Sleepwalking
by MusketeerAdventure
Summary: Summary: Asked to give the eulogy at Swanny's funeral, Clay wonders what to say. These are missing moments from the season finale 'Never Out of the Fight'. *Warning of dark thoughts.*


Sleepwalking

By: MusketeerAdventure

Summary: Asked to give the eulogy at Swanny's funeral, Clay wonders what to say. These are missing moments from the season finale 'Never Out of the Fight'.

*Warning of dark thoughts.*

* * *

Clay wasn't so sure about this.

Sitting with Jeanie, helping her arrange things; holding her up as best he could had left him feeling somewhat numb. It was as if he were sleepwalking … going through the motions.

Ever since Swanny's death, he was living on instinct. Autopilot is what they called it…right? He was on autopilot. Giving Swanny's family as much support as he could muster; going to physical therapy appointments; applying for Swanny's Purple Heart; fighting for the cause; worried sick for Bravo … sleepwalking.

Rubbing his eyes, he tried to push that all aside and think on this. Think on what it was she was truly asking of him.

Just like Swanny had told him on many occasions, his sister … Jeanie was a wonderful, kind, caring person and to his surprise had opened her heart to him, as if he was family. "You're one of us", she smiled – when introducing him to the Swann Clan. He felt awkward at first, but they all overwhelmed him with such instantaneous fondness and appreciation that it made him feel warm and welcome within their circle.

At the hotel, she had asked him to speak at the funeral – give the eulogy.

When he looked into the faces of Swanny's other sister; his elderly father; nieces; nephews; Aunts; Uncles; cousins – his wife; and watched them all nod in agreement, he was struck with a sort of panic. That they trusted him with something so intimate had his heart pounding. Unsure of himself, he wondered what he could possibly say that would express the depth of their grief, pride – love … without exposing his own guilt ridden conscience.

He was going to decline.

Wouldn't his father wish to say something; whose soft whisper of a voice conveyed his pride – his love that he so freely shared with him now? Or perhaps Jeanie – who tenaciously fought so hard to stay connected; fighting against Swanny's will for supreme independence? Maybe his wife – who loved him still, but just didn't have the strength to continue pushing against the raging storm that was Brett Swann. It would be better for any one of them to speak on Swanny's heroism; dedication to the Navy … to his family…to his brothers.

Studying their anxious faces he hesitated to give an answer. He was afraid to do this thing; afraid that whatever he said would come out sounding angry; defeated… bitter. He loved Swanny – and now so too his family. He would not want to disappoint them and say something that might unintentionally hurt them, as every hour of every day he struggled to contain his anger. They need not witness it at the height of their sorrow.

But before he could say … choose someone else; I'm not the one – Jeanie stood close and took his hand in hers, "You're his family too", she said softly. "The last I spoke to Brett, he talked about you. This kid, he said, has let me in; and I could hear the smile in his voice."

Clay nodded and bowed his head, squeezing her hand. He remembered that day. "It was a good day", he exhaled around the lump in his throat.

"Yes, and you gave him that."

Nodding more urgently Clay succumbed. He supposed he could not deny her. "Okay", he said hoarsely and swiped away a wayward tear. "Okay. It would be an honor"; and could hear Swanny laughing in his ear, teasing him with; "There you go Sunshine. No one can resist Jeanie. She's a force of nature."

That conversation had taken place a few days ago, and still he did not know what he was going to say. He had lots of moments stored up in his head but nothing written down; stowed away on the computer or committed to memory. What he knew was that he loved Swanny and had let him down. The man had come into his life; and literally saved it. Lifted him up when he was down; told him nothing but the truth, carried him on his back and kicked his ass when he needed it.

Why couldn't he have done the same for him?

Looking around his apartment, he felt adrift. There was nothing here anymore that said …Brett Swann lived here. All of his things were gone now – Jeanie having come by and taken the tightly taped boxes away.

Before leaving she had insisted he accept Swanny's tags. She pressed them firmly in his hands and without hesitation announced, "You should keep these. Brett would want you to have them"; and then kissed his cheek as she left his place …. now empty of the man's disorganization, his notes taped on the walls; his presence; his life. It was as if he walked out the door with Jeanie. Sadly, in his mind's eye, he could just make Swanny out – waving a goodbye with that wicked grin, and then giving a final wink to buck him up as the door closed behind them.

Sitting heavily on the couch he clutched those tags with strength. "What should I say?" he asked aloud and searched his heart as Swanny's wisdom, his way with words, and deep well of endless advice was now lost to him, beyond the door.

"Just say what's on your mind."

Blinking hard, Clay looked up and there standing in front of him was Ash – concern written all over his face; uncertainty flashing in his eyes. It was a new look for Ash, but he had not the where with all to even comment on it. He was too weary; too tired; too spent.

"You left the door open", Ash said quickly. "So I let myself in. I hope that's okay."

Nodding, Clay continued to concentrate hard on the tags pressed within his grasp – reminding him of his failures that taunted him with what ifs; admonished him with … this is your entire fault and grudgingly made him think on the Purple Heart burning a hole in his pants pocket. The medal weighed heavy and conjured up resentment. It was wasted on him … unwanted; undeserved, presented to him weeks ago at his bedside, with Captain Harrington and Swanny shaking his hand in congratulations.

That day Swanny's grin stretched from ear to ear masking whatever demons he was confronting; giving him the best of himself; patting him on the back … calling him a hero.

Why hadn't he seen that Swanny was struggling with life? Why hadn't he noticed that he was on the verge of committing suicide? Was he that selfish – so self-absorbed that he could not really "see" Swanny?

Staring up at his father, he felt himself weaken – his face beginning to crumble with grief; throat constricting … his emotions ready to explode out of control.

Considering the man closely, Clay blamed Ash for so much of what was wrong in his life. Hardened his heart toward him, placed at his feet all of his hardships and attributed them to him. But it was more complicated than that, wasn't it?

Swanny taught him that. There were things underneath people's actions that hid terrible pain; unspeakable secrets … that when finally uncovered, gave those actions clarity; a certain amount of understanding.

He didn't know Ash's pains or his secrets. He had never bothered to ask; had told himself – he didn't want to know. He convinced himself that all of his father's wrongs, the mistakes made at his expense, deserved his disdain – and so gave all of his loyalty to his mother; then to others that would love him without conditions attached.

Much like Ash, Swanny kept his pain close to the vest, until one day; on that day his pain overwhelmed him and he found a way to release it.

Ash sat down next to him, and he did not protest; did not bristle or question his motives. Just … instead looked to him for answers; for some level of comfort … to be told what it was he should do.

Tentative, Ash reached for him, and slowly pulled him in close, then gently kissed his temple; bringing up long forgotten memories of long ago good night rituals. "Just say what's on your mind son" he repeated and held on tight; his warm breath wafting lightly through his hair.

Letting go of his tension, Clay relented; leaned in, then relaxed into his father's embrace and wept … wept as he did that night in the parking lot, on the ground; beneath Swanny's weight – heartfelt; deep and inconsolable.

* * *

Thank you for reading. Please leave a review to let me know what you think. These are missing moments from the season finale 'Never Out of the Fight'. I thought the finale was wonderful and hope this missing scene does it justice.


End file.
